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    I have been told I need to work on my bad boy look…

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      Melting USB sticks in ERLs is not an uncommon problem. :(

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        Prepending ’usb reset; usb reset; ’ to bootcmd in uboot solved that for me.

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          I think that solves the slow USB problem, not the melted problem. The device was there, but trying to upgrade resulted in a million errors writing.